It Matters.

Sitting here bundled up at my desk making a power point, a question sneaks its way into my head. "Is this even worth it? Why does this matter? They don't care." I think there comes a time for us all when we take a step back, maybe willingly or forcefully and ask "Does this matter?" Maybe not about school. Relationships. Goals. Anything. There are a million and a half little things done to prepare a lesson. Not materials, necessarily. Emotion and mental preparation. I recently walked out of a class and said to myself "That was the worst class period of my time here." I would be lying if I said tears didn't come to my eyes. "Was that worth it?" Yes. Absolutely 100% worth it. Each class sees me twice a week for a total of 80 minutes. That is not really enough time to establish and maintain a solid relationship. They don't fully understand what irritates me, makes me upset and I can say the same for me about them. We have good classes, great even. Then we have not-so-great ones. I honestly don't know who is learning more though this - me or them. I would like to think it's them, but they are teaching me more than I ever expected. Hesitant at first to their teaching, I am accepting now. It's good. The bad classes are good. It is worth it. I cannot take all the credit, if any. I had amazing high school teachers and university professors. It's one of those things that you learn and think "Yeah right that will never happen to me" and brush it off. Well, folks when I walked out of that class, that was my moment.

[[This is what they were talking about. I am not indestructible. I can break.]]

The song "Words" by TobyMac comes to mind. The class I referred to was a disaster mess because of that...words said by a student directly to me. Intended to hurt. And they did, badly. I took it personally. They were upset by something I said they could not do, so they directly attacked me...with English words when they easily could have used their native language knowing I probably wouldn't understand. It hurt. In my mind, I thought I would be strong enough to handle something like that if it ever happened, but right there in that moment I couldn't. I ignored it and some other teachers were nice enough to help me handle it later. I am human. Just as I have to remember that about my students, they have to remember that about me. My students are old enough to know that. We all moved on and learned from it (I'd like to think) because I can only speak for myself. 

It matters. The lessons. The time. The words.

I have about three months left of teaching. I will miss it. I don't really want to think about leaving yet. I have an amazing journey ahead of me with marriage and everything. I am loving my journey here. Every day. Through all of it, Jesus is the same. He knows my heart & my every need. I will keep pushing on. 

"When the pressure is on, He's making diamonds."